I spent my morning reading sad blogs on the internet. Blogs about life and motherhood and balance and guilt. My heart is heavy, but I’m having trouble pinpointing the exact emotion. I think it’s somewhere between sadness and longing, fear and excitement, patience and anticipation. That uncomfortable space of the unknown. I am certain there is beauty here. Even in the center of the ambiguity, I can see that my future is full of possibilities. I am not boxed in to a job that is not life-giving, and I undoubtedly appreciate that. So why do I feel so lost? It is hard for me to accept the fact that my worth and purpose are so tied to my employment status. This mandatory career-change has got me questioning my value in every other role I find myself in – wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend.
Why are we, as humans, so resistant to change? Brad is always reminding me that things are constantly changing. The cells we were born with are not the same ones we have now. Our bodies were made to adapt and grow and change. So why is it so hard for us? Why is it so hard to give up control? I am caught in the tension of the familiar and the unknown – and it’s freaking me out! It’s like one chapter is ending but the next one hasn’t started yet so I’m left staring at these blank pages before me. And it’s out of my control. One of the blogs I was reading talked about how control is rooted in fear. “We are human beings in a world of constant change, and this is scary. We are afraid that we won’t be ok in the chaos of change, that we will fail, that we will be judged, that life won’t turn out ok.”
We want to control things because we are afraid of what will happen if we don’t. For me, during this season, I need to trust that I will be ok no matter what the outcome is – because even my best outcome could be limiting me of all the other possibilities that I can’t see right now. When I am able to let go of my desire to control things, I will be able to live in the moment and be grateful for the opportunities it has presented, rather than fearing the change it represents.
And just for fun, here’s a picture of Rory and his grandpa on our most recent camping adventure 🙂